Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
