hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
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