i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Panties = found
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
