you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
