She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I looked at my own cervix.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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