I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
