she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
