Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
