TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
