im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
