you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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