U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
