So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
