whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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