I CAN MOONWALK!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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