Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
