you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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