apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
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Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
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So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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