I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
