I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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