im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
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We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You may now shotgun with the bride
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
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Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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