I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
