How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
