i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Holy sore nipples Batman
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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