Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
