4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
