and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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