I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
