no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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