She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
