just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
