I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
