you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
