I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
