Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
