I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
