The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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