Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
