My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Panties = found
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
