I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
