Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
