The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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