From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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