I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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