were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
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She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
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Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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