So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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