I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
