Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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