I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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