I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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