kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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