Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
