I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
