he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
