Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wish my penis had a tongue
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
